Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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