broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
