I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The feeling are messing with the penis
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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