I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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