Soap is not a condiment
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
