i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
