he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize