So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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