She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize