I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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