A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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