I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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