She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
