The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
