don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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