Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
