Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
