YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
