Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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