theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize