last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
