Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
