She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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