Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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