I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
ttyl tear gas
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
