The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize