Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
