i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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