apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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