Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
