Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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