sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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