We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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