good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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