so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
