I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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