we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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