i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
