My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
