The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
