I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
