My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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