I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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