apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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