I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
