My Higher Power is John Stamos
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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