tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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