checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
no you cant smoke seaweed
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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