smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
