Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
