A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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