How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
