Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
