The maid of honor just puked.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
