Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
