I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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