I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
