he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
smell my finger.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
