ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
