why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
