we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
