Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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