i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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