1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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