I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
