I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize