I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
