the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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