It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
