All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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