Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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